Top Ten Reasons to Ban Guns (Satire)

1.) Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime an attempted-crime, which necessarily complicates the police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime’s completion.

2.) Some .004 % (4/1000 of 1%) of guns are used to commit a crime each year. This is way too high. All guns should be banned.

3.) Guns are unnecessary. In 98% of civilian gun defenses, no shot is fired. If you are not going to fire a shot, you clearly don’t need a gun to protect yourself. This proves that the guns are unnecessary. Banning guns will prevent these unnecessary defenses, making the world more simple and less dangerous.

4.) Guns cause criminal migration. In tough gun law Washington, D.C., violent crime rates are very high. This high crime rate is caused by the migration of criminals from gun havens like Virginia. This migration is caused by the criminal’s cowardly avoidance of armed householders and concealed-carry civilians. This criminal migration is detrimental to helpless unarmed citizens in no-gun areas and must be stopped. Guns should be banned everywhere.

5.) Most gun crimes are committed by inner city gangs and drug dealers. These relatively small, geographically restricted groups consistently commit the majority of gun crimes, which usually peak as turf wars erupt over Drug War changes. The best way to prevent this is by denying guns to all law-abiding people everywhere.

6.) No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder. The police will protect them by investigating the crime after the fact. Remember, police paperwork is all the protection anyone really needs.

7.) Gun owners are disrespectful of authority. Good citizens should completely rely on the authorities. A failure to do so is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. Failure to completely and absolutely trust and depend on the authorities is excessive democracy and sends a bad message to children. Guns should be banned to preserve our children’s faith in the power of government.

8.) Gun owners engaging in self-defense are taking the law into their own hands. This is wrong. Only the police should be able to protect other people. It should be kept out of the hands of citizens.

9.) Children and young people should remain ignorant about guns. Real guns and real gun knowledge dissipate the fantasies created by violent video games and TV. Ignorance, once lost, can never be restored and needs to be protected.

10.) Guns reduce people’s reliance on the police and the government. This fosters a mistaken belief in “rights.” No one has the right to question authority. No person should be less than 100% dependent on authority. This is fundamental to social order. Banning guns will help to establish the order the authorities want. This is good.

As written by Bruce Gold
June, 2004